Oh, I feel much better.
I don't know how exactly I became that way, but I am that way.
Maybe it's the fact that June's almost over.
Perhaps I can blame it on my morning devotionals with the Daily Bread.
It could be that I passed by the store on 86th and Third Avenue where I was transferred. And in a big amazement...

The store is not all that bad!
The assoicates seem to be people of good character.
They will be my associates...

Oh well, at least Tavie is having more fun in Sweden, stalking Hippie Jesus and such.

I just received some rather troublesome news:
I will no longer be at the Chambers Street Modell's.
No, I haven't been fired...
But I'm no longer at that Modell's on Chambers.

I feel icky. Again.

Why?

Because I no longer stand on the house that I helped build.

The last time I felt so icky was when I left my training store at 42nd Street and Vanderbilt, near Grand Central. The liveliness, the tourists, the comfort of knowing I was a 4 train away no matter where I was in New York. On the flip side, there is the store itself: dead, lifeless, and slow. The associates, well, tended to themselves. I spent most of my days in the stockroom, changing it, rearranging it, and recreating it back to what was said to be its original form. For that first week, that's how I got around to my surroundings. That's how I fitted in. The managers didn't complain; I kept to myself and did the work. Associates were cool, but then again, they had no real reason not to be, either. But, realizing that something better awaited me in the days to come, I picked myself up to realize that hell, I ain't gonna be here forever. So I took it all at face value, and left as queitly as I came. No mushy goodbyes, no elongated thank you's, no comments to the girl I was interested in at the time, nothing. I just picked up the pieces, and left.

Fast foward into today, Friday afternoon, where in a matter of hours, I must go and pick up my check at the store I created. The store I helped arrange, stage, fill, and maintain. A feeling of accomplishment unlike any other. A feeling only a 12 hour shift with some of the best guys around can give you. And you feel like you broke your back a couple of times, but in the long run, it was worth it.
I wasn't there for the grand re-opening of Store #3. I didn't come to work that Thursday until 3PM, where I might have done but one or two MVP cards. I made up for it on the following two days though, where I brought in about 12 MVP cards a day. These things count for something, I guess; just another loyalty card similar to Pathmark and Duane Reade. At least with these guys, once you hit that $400 mark, you know you have money coming to you. I was making sales, restocking shelves, having fun with associates, having the best time of my life. I may have missed Mitchell Modell, and the politicians and superstars and NY1 that might have showed up. But it was feeling of completion, the only true feeling you get after accomplishment, despite them literally being the same thing, that made it happen for me. That's why I kept coming back. On time. To all my shifts,even suggesting overtime if needed. Wonderful head management team, great footwear associates, and even a girl in apparel I want to talk to! I was set!

Then the days dwindled. And so did the sales.
You feel the heat that some associates are gonna head for the door. But you remain loyal to the store. The store you helped build. The store that once again, took it's form and grace. At least, that's how I handled everything. Sure, you weren't too crazy about your direct boss, who's sort of inmature. Sure, you want to stay from the associate who swears she's assistant manager of something and orders you around all the time. But, it was still my store too. And I belong.
It went on like this for a little while. But I was comfortable. I was working; and that was one thing they can always say about me. I found work to do. Why? Not because I was afraid to get fired (at least, not as afraid as everyone else anyway), not because I wanted kiss ass, but because it was my store. If anybody is gonna help maintain the store, it should the ones who helped put it all together, right??
Then I show up to work this week, after a long rest. And 10 people from my department alone were released. Everyone all choked up, wondering if they were next. At least for me, I just went about my business. Then I looked up and noticed that most of my friends weren't there. Maybe they had the morning shift, or it's just their day off, I said, brushing out the possibility that they got the ax. And sure enough, I saw some of my pals yesterday, talking about some of the folks that left. I felt better then, like a safeguard net or something just caught me and held me there.

Then, in a little over an hour ago, Sam Carierri turned the net upside down.
Sure, I'm not fired. But the net is gone still. How? Because I no longer have the feeling of knowing that I know almost everyone in the store I work for. I no longer have the pride that this is the store that I built, and I'm still standing in that house. I gave up a lot of opportunity cost for that house. Almost a full 24-hour day's rest, my television time, my blogger time, my friendship time. That's a lot of time I gave to the house I built. And dammit, I emphasize the fact that this is the house I built despite the fact I did not single-handedly build the house not to take credit, but to prove a point. A family grew here in store #3, and though the trimmings had to be made, much of that family should still exist.

I mean, what could have happened to result to my transferring to the 86th Street Modell's???

The quarrels with that assistant manager wannabe?? The fact I didn't take liking towards my footwear manager's jokes?? The fact that I don't socialize as much as the other associates do?? The fact I'm not as cool as the other associates are?? The fact that I leave as quietly as I arrive?? Hell, what's not stopping the guys at 86th Street from turning the net the same way these people, whom I thought were okay guys to be around with, turned the net on me? Why do I, after coming home 7PM from those twelve hour shifts from those several days ago, feel betrayed? Is it only me with that sense of betrayal?

Okay, granted. What about those who no longer are at Modell's? Well considering the fact that some really didn't care, while others weren't too particularly happy about their circumstances, they pretty much opted out themselves. To believe I did everything right, and the result was nearly the same, is an outrage. It's great news, depending on how you take it,, Sam says. Damn right it depends, because I do care. About that safety net, about that house that I created. About the crew I'm about to leave behind. About that girl I wanted to talk to. Especially the girl.

Perhaps I may never be the same again.
But I don't care, I put my all in that. I'm hatin'!!!

Hello again, cats and kittens.
Back from a long rest, and into a regular 20 week work schedule, my life is finally back in order.
To start things off, Maylene sent me this beautiful e-mail. And I'm going to post here. And will the real creator of this one please stand up...
In any case, here is...

Twenty Something Drama

For those of us in our twenty-somethings, this puts it all into words perfectly. They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know....and not like. You start feeling a little insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then you get scared, because you barely know where you are NOW. You start realizing that people really are selfish and Maybe those friends that you thought you were so close to, aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, but the people you lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize, is that they are realizing that too. They are not really cold or catty, mean or insincere, but are merely as confused as you and a little caught up. You look at this job you have. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing... Or maybe you don't even have one. That's even better.

You miss the comforts of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions seem to have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual, because suddenly you realize that you have set certain boundaries in your life, and are adding to the list of things that you find acceptable or not. You feel insecure and then so very secure. You seem to laugh and cry with the greatest of forces. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy, you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are.... or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or how YOU let them have that much control on your heart. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough spend time with to get to know better. You finally love someone.... but you also love someone else too, You cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. Really you aren't.... One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot looks pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision on anything.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself, and while winning the race would be great, right now you would just like to be a contender! What you may not realize that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Ahhhh, yes!
It's been two days since my last 12 hour shift. I never missed home so much since I was in Florida for the summer way back in the days. I've slept for nearly 13 hours on Wednesday, waking up just in time to do my wash so I can work today. And today, work is at 3PM.

At least The Lakers swept the living daylights out of those Nets!! I am ever so happy!
Long live the dynasty!!

Okay...
Before I leave you guys, I will drop one last freelance from my friend Mikey.
This one he didn't bother to name, and I can't name it either.
So, from upstate...

Mikey's freelance

2 be or not 2 be
2 bad she's not for me
2 sad 2 end
when 2 become 1

4 her I gave up love
4 me she gave her heart
be 4 it was like a mountain
2 night it broke apart

2 late 2 get her back
2 bad she's not for me
2 night I met her sister
now there's 1 more chance for me

At least Maylene is doing okay so far. That's because she's done nothing but chill.

Some gals just have all the luck.

Six days.
72 hours of labor.
I am not as stiff, or as in much pain. In fact, i've felt quite energetic.
I guess that is because my house is complete.
The house that I built. The house that me and 10 other guys have built. And it's called Modell's Sporting Goods: Store 3.
That's right. Store 3 on Chambers Street.
For the last week, we all have worked rigourously, against rain and heat, and lack of proper food and air conditioning, to turn a empty lot into a three section sales floor.

And I feel good, damn good.
Not good enough to be considered a "fun" experience, but good as to say it wasn't a crappy one either.

And to make things better, Lakers took Game 3 in New Jersey!!
And Lennox Lewis, as I predicted, outsed Tyson Saturday night.
What a week it has been!!
And though hell doesn't end until tomorrow, it's assuring to know that the end is closer than I think. 'Cause it only starts again on Grand Opening day, this Thursday.

Three days.
36 hours of labor.
My feet is as stiff as my shoulders, which is as hurting as my lower back, which in turn are the only body parts holding me in place.
On the TV, Williams from the NJ Nets jumps on Shaq's back for a foul in the third quarter with the Nets down by what...
20 points?!?!
Well, at least I can go to bed in my Bryant jersey feeling a little comfort...

Big ups and congratulations to Kirsten for graduating today. To think, while I was unloading boxes on Chambers Street, she was in Radio City Music Hall with Bloomberg giving a sendoff. That must have been really special, I gather. One day, and extremely soon, that will be me. Congratulations, Kirsten. Even if she will never remember my face for the rest of her life.

A very interesting life I have led these past two days. I went to bed around midnight, to wake up around 4AM, to leave 5AM, to go to work at 6AM, to leave 5PM, to still be up now. Then, I must go to bed, wake up 3AM, to eat and leave 4AM, to arrive to work at 5AM, to hopefully leave 5PM, though gut instincts say I might do up to 11PM, to turn around and do this all over again.

C'mon, you know you're gonna say it:
I have no social life.
Well, at least I'll have no social life, and be several hundred dollars richer.

The lazy summers of my childhood will never return. Why didn't I appreciate them more when I had them? The least I can do is appreciate the little taste of them I'm getting now. But noooo, I have to go and worry about the fact that I don't have any money and feel guilty that my aging, hardworking parents still get to feed and house and clothe me and pay my credit card minimums...

All I want is to be a kid again, and not have to worry about these things, and run around in my bare feet, stepping on garden slugs and screaming and never getting to be the Robber in Cops and Robbers. Is that so much to ask?

You really wanna know something??
Five years ago, that would be too much to ask. All I ever wanted back then was to be able to not hear that I was too young or not old enough to do anything. All I wanted then was to go to school everyday without having to ask mom for change, and hear her say something similar to:
I'm paying the bills...
I'm buying the food...
When you get a job, you can do what you want...
Back then, I would give up my childhood to go one day without a sermon on the ironboard.

Five years after that point, I have accomplished that dream. I have went out without having to rely on mom and a lengthly speech. But with that freedom comes insecurity, credit card payments, cell-phone payments, and (gasp!) the possibility of summer labor (the summer labor that occurs beyond the home...)
Five years after that point, I wish I can say that wanting to be a kid again is not too much to ask. But, in my most sincere opinion, to go back to the way it used be will not make things any better for me. I will just end up in the rut I so wanted to get out of. My situation will vary from many others, but for those like me, there is no turning back from the path I have chose to take. And for that, I say ...

I don't wanna go back there!

Even better news: I hear from Mikey Benain, the Michael Benain whose poems I've posted on my blog! He's at University of Rochester, I bet having the time of his life. And what a sport, he's passed on more freelances!! A real trooper, this guy.
So, until I have something new for you (next blog, I promise), I'll give you his material. This one is for his girl, Aidee (pronounced Eye-Day); and it just struck me from a glance. From all da way upstate, here is...

This is one is about my girl Aidee(pronounced I day)
By Michael Benain

I Day
I Night
I wake up fresh
Not as fresh as you are
I wake up blessed
Not as blessed as you are
Like the day, shining bright, we see you
Like the moon, in our minds, your noticed
It's hopeless,
To overcome you
How do you overcome a wave
You don't, you go with it
Like a wave you overcome men's feelings
Like a wave he who rides your dreams will tame you
I day
I can't touch the day
How the day makes me feel
How it makes us all feel is all that matters

Okay, hello again.
More good news: I aced my macro-economics final, which allowed me to pass the class by the skin of my teeth. That's three of four classes I'm sure of my grades for. That will keep me happy for the summer.

Nothing says God loves me like a telephone call. Imagine setting your mind up to work from 8AM to 4PM, taking lunch while wishing you could go home, and next thing, getting a phone call to leave at 1PM? Talk about perfect timing! You see, God does love me. When I'm good, at least.

Another day, another post.
And the results so far??
An "Aced" out Intermediate accounting grade, and a B+ in linguistics. It sure as hell does not beat the A grade, but it's not a C grade either. Damn the lazy and absent-minded!

I wanted my A dammit!

Why have I been strangely in the mood for Christopher Cross and Simply Red??
Lately, within the past week, I've found myself in showers, trains, buses, and at work, singing:

It's not far back to sanity; at least it's not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away and find serenity
Oh the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see
Baby, believe me

Say-ling
takes me away to where I've always heard it could be...

Then there's Holding Back The Years and Swept Away.
Okay, I have came to this conclusion:
I need my KTU.
I need my Angie Martinez back.
Hell, I need my Wendy Williams back!
But the only thing that's good on the radio after 6PM everyday is the Smooth Jazz and Lite-FM stations.
That's it... I'm working overnighters with La-Nueva-Mega crew.

"It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I've done nothing useful. I've even missed Family Ties. "

Interesting. Lately, I have found myself watching Family Ties and Cosby Show reruns within the past two weeks. Coincidentally, I've been training at Modell's for two weeks.
Maybe things will change when I head to the new store. Maybe things will not change when I head to the new store. Now, I just gotta wait and see. And while everyone else is all smiles about having the ability to arrange an entire Modell's, I'm still uneasy. Oh well. At least I got paid.

I just had a great 24 hours. Within these past 1,440 minutes, I've been paid, soaked in the pouring rain, found out I passed my finals, and became a pit stop along the number (4) line!



I must admit, I like the image; very well done.
Anyone who didn't know me, can now look for me along the 4 train at the Utica Avenue stop!